Personal Reflections

It has now been one week post kidney surgery at Columbia Medical Center. I never imagined the last 3 months to unravel the way they did. How did this happen to me? I think I have a simple answer.

When God asks for something, you can be sure He doesn’t forget. I think the first time He asked me nicely, a bit nonchalantly, leading me to think it was no big deal and that He possibly didn’t mean it. But I was stubborn and cupped my ears, pretending I had a better trade and offered something else in its place. Many years passed in fact, and I think I became content digging my heels in, establishing that I could not be moved. I always get what I want, usually. And then the Summer of 2010 hit me like a speeding truck.

First it began with my sinus surgery. What a roller coaster ride that was, from postponing the surgery until my summer break, finding out my blood tests were concerning enough to cancel the surgery, having my insurance contract expire with the hospital, and ultimately going through it alone without the Mother who’s been with me through everything. All of my great and highly anticipated summer plans of traveling South East Asia blew up in my face like a puff of smoke. Not only was I devastated, I was angry and hungry to make it up somehow. These were my treasured plans I had agonized and poured all of my energy into. This is what I had been waiting to do. This is what I wanted and had to have.

So I let it pass. I understood that these were the circumstances and I threw my hands up and said, “fine. I’ll make the most of the rest of the summer that’s left.” But I clearly did not learn my lesson. No, in fact the lesson had not even begun. The root of my stubbornness lies deep down and ultimately revealed my inability to tolerate when things don’t go my way. I am an extreme control freak when it comes to my life and anything that has to do with me. I want and expect certain things and I will throw a mind-blowing fit if it does not go my way. Which thus ensued my breakdown.

The last 6 weeks, but especially the first 2 weeks in the hospitals (yes, plural) really revealed an ugly side of my sinfulness that literally broke me down and wore me out. Everything I wanted, everything I had planned, and everything I had expected crumbled before me. I was left with absolutely no control over what was happening to me and the circumstances that would follow. It really left me broken inside and out. Despite the brokenness God still sent people to show me His love. And so I made it through everything.

Now I struggle with how to move forward. How do I repay the debt I owe, the debt of love, the debt of friendship, the debts that cannot be measured or even quantified? How do I prevent myself from falling into the same sinfulness? Where do I go now? I feel lost and tired.

Moving On

When was the last time you had a good cry?

For some, those moments are seldom, and for others it might be more frequent, or conditional upon the state of what is currently going on in your life. For me, I dismiss crying as a sign of weakness and portray an image that I am made of steel. But often behind closed doors I have momentary lapses of sensitivity. Alas, I am a girl. In the last 3 years (basically since my last break-up) I learned how to control my salty tear ducts, and reserve them only for times where I deem appropriate. But in those moments where I really let my guard down and fully open the flood gates, I always feel relieved and almost refreshed. I am reminded that I am human, and that it is ok to let go.

Today I had brunch with L**m and then went shopping to help him pick out a new suit. Initially I was feeling burdened that I had to “hang out” with him and “waste my time” spending time with him. He’s leaving for Hong Kong at the end of the month and he pulled the, “you only have this much time left with me.” But as we made our way home several hours later, I began to feel regret that I didn’t spend more time with him. He is my older brother in every sense of the title, except for the fact that we do not share any of the same blood. He is in fact my “brother from another mother (and also father). ” And I will really miss him when he leaves.

I have this fear of moving on, of facing changes, and probably most frightening to me, is the fear of forgetting. I never want to forget people or places, events and moments, because those are the only things I will be left with in the end of my life. When I’m 70 years old I want to be able to reflect and relive my past and my life that brought me to the present. It’s an aspect of life that is really unique. Everyone has a story, but everyone’s story is different and was only lived by one person. I never want to forget or replace the things I value. And sometimes moving on requires letting go of the things you try to hold on to most tightly. Sometimes a good cry and good conversation are all that’s necessary to bring me back to reality. For today, I surrender my emotions to You and tomorrow may my burdens be lighter.

You got me

Maybe the reason why I can’t move on is because I still haven’t forgiven you.  Or myself.

The Unexpected

I went from listening to Colbie and Taylor tunes to emo-ness. The boy did it. He grew on me. And I think I started falling for him. And then I cut it off. And now I’m sort of empty and sad. I just wanted him to grow up. Sigh.

Finding the right One.

Sometimes the one you want is not the one you’re supposed to have. I think I have learned this through patience. I haven’t been in a real relationship in almost 2.5 years, and surprisingly, I’m glad I haven’t. During that time I felt like there was no one I was interested in. That’s not to say that I didn’t give anyone a chance. I dated a few people here and there, met a lot of really nice guys, but no one was quite what I was looking for. There just wasn’t any magic.

And then the last few weeks happened. Suddenly there were 4 potentials plus an old one rehashed. In a moment of panic I thought, “oh no, what if I can’t choose?” But after a few more weeks of patience, the filtering process took place naturally, and one by one, I started crossing them off the list or rearranging their spots in line. I was only able to find faults by being patient and not assuming anything. I think I could have easily fallen for any one of them, but the fact that there were so many simultaneously meant that my attention was divided and I could not fall for just one because that automatically meant losing out on the others.

Numero uno was interesting. I had seen him one night as he performed on guitar and instantly knew I was attracted to him. But he suddenly disappeared. And by disappeared, I mean really disappeared. I found out later he was relocated to Utah. Then I spent 2 months in Korea, and of course he came back during that time. Our timing could not have been more off kilter, but for some reason a friend suggested him to me, thus planting the seed, and also reaffirming to me the fact that maybe we’re supposed to be together! Of course that’s absolute nonsense. And to this day we still have not officially met. I placed him on a pedestool and ran away every time he came near. Thus, my friend apologized for suggesting him because she thinks it might be too late and he might be interested in someone. Well, ok. That’s one less person I need to think and or worry about. Maybe now I can finally meet him without my heart rate going loopy.

Numero dos. I actually met him long ago on a snowboard trip, but he doesn’t know that. I actually took notice of him before then and would seem like a psycho stalker if I told you how much I knew about him. In any case, what are the chances he end up at Columbia for his PhD and his building be parallel to mine, and our mutual friend introduce us? Well it happened and our beginning was quite rocky. I decided he’s not all that I thought he was and said forget it. But then something happened and we suddenly started talking/emailing/texting/hanging out/making plans to hang out all the time. One night a friend who was present the second time we met, asked me about him. I asked her why she brought him up, and she said “I sensed that he really liked you.” I guess that did it, and suddenly I started looking at him differently and evaluating his every word. Tonight we went to a Yo-Yo Ma concert with two others, and I decided this guy’s head is wayyy too big. He’s out unless he can redeem himself. From what, I don’t even know. You might hate me for saying this, but I think it’s because he’s Chinese.

Ehem. On to numero tres. Another guy I knew of from college but was always in a relationship. I always thought he was my type, but never had the opportunity to get to know him. Until last February when a mutual friend came into town. We shared a cab ride back (well, he dropped me off first) and I knew we “clicked.” He went MIA for some time and we always said we’d meet up, but we never made set plans. Then one day he randomly texted me, and we scheduled lunch for the following week. We talked and laughed so much he almost missed his class. I felt like I had waited 3 years for that day to come. I was always intimidated by him, but during that lunch I realized, this guy is one huge goofball. I have nothing to be imtimidated of and as much as we “click,” I don’t know if this one has any real potential. He’s not completely ruled out, but his stocks took a hit and he’s not one I’ll be watching as closely anymore. Oh and fyi, he broke up with that gf 3 months ago. Eew, still kind of fresh.

And numero quatro. He’s the one I said absolutely No to when I first met him. And he thought the same thing. We always talk about how we came together was the most unlikely event. However, we were a fling. Or so I thought. He’s nearly 3 years younger, has no real job, fresh out of college, no intention of getting into a relationship, and still has issues with the ex. But then we came back to the U.S. (we met abroad) and he has been the best, most stable thing for me. He exhibits all of the qualities I look for, except that I just never suspected him becuase he didn’t fit what I was looking for. We get along, compliment each other in strengths and weaknesses, and both want the same thing: a non-committed relationship. He’s great, except I think we’re growing on each other, and I don’t know exactly what that means for the both of us. He’s not at all “my type” and he is not what I was/am looking for. Except that he’s exactly what I’m looking for, if that makes any sense, in the ways I was not looking.

I wonder why it’s so hard for me to be in a relationship now, when in college I was never not in a relationship. Sometimes what you’re looking for is not what you’re going to get. I think that being patient, even if it’s prevented me from getting myself into anything, has prevented me from wasting my time getting into relationships that were never going to be the real deal anyways. Who wants to waste time these days. I’m getting old and my clock is ticking!

Respect

This week someone made me very upset in the most unexpected way. If our arguments and the preceding events could be displayed publicly, I am sure no one would suspect the depth of my fury. Prior to the events that transpired, I did not know that such a thing would bother me. But now I do. I have no tolerance for passive-aggressiveness. I cannot change  a person nor insist that they change their character. But I have come to the conclusion that passiveness in males is one of THE most unattractive characteristics they can possess.

What happened: One of my roommates and I disagreed on which room and how much we should each pay in our new apartment. I suggested we try to work it out prior to meeting with the other roommates because it did not concern them as much as it was an issue between the two of us. He was reluctant but I persisted. After 1.5 hours of discussion we ended in stalemate. After 2 hours discussing it with the other roommates, it ended in stalemate. Instead of talking about it, he retreated to his room and hid from me and/or avoided me until the morning we went to sign the lease. Even then, it was another roommate who stepped in as a mediator and asked if we had discussed if the issue had been resolved, at which time I said No. Even then he had nothing to say, except that he was not “comfortable consenting to my proposal.” I may come off a bit harsh, but to be honest, he is a coward. He is not a man, and I will no longer respect him as one.

The result: He lost my respect.

Conclusion: This is significant for me because he is the first person I have actually lost respect for. There have been many people whom I have disagreed with, many people who frustrate me, many people who I have argued with. There are also people who have challenged me, rebuked me, and hurt me. But even with those who have hurt me (which was painful), there are none whom I have lost respect for.

Even if there is no outward difference in behavior from me towards him, I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy. He could not speak up, stand up, confront, or even look me in the eyes. How can you even call yourself a man? He will maybe never know how his character has fallen before my eyes. Even if it makes no difference to him, I believe it is a really unfortunate thing when someone loses respect for you. Sucks for you.

Unforgettable First

Everyone has a First. By first, I am referring to a first love.  It doesn’t necessarily have to be the first relationship you’ve ever had, but the first person and relationship you made yourself vulnerable to because you loved and trusted them enough to. It might have been that one who always “got” to you. Gave you the butterflies. The one who could do no wrong, every flaw acknowledged but simultaneously overlooked. The one you thought forever with, despite the ups and downs.

It might be the music I’m listening to, but I’m feeling the courage to dissect this one.

It’s been nearly two and a half years since the end of all ends. It’s easier to swallow in retrospect, after time has passed. The funny thing is, I’m still trying to figure out what happened and make sense of a puzzle that cannot and should not be put back together. We did not break up over one big argument/incident, which makes it more difficult to reason out why we broke up at all. Except that neither one of us wanted to try anymore. There comes a time when your eyes become uncrossed, and you realize that it will not work. Or, one (or both of you) no longer wants to try any longer. That action, in itself, is a red flag that the relationship is not worth salvaging. When someone chooses to give up, you are facing an uphill battle with slim to none chance you will come out victorious.  And we are calculative people. If you are not going to put in the effort, well, I don’t want to either. We all know relationships are never 50/50. Yet, we always strive for them to be.  When they are not, we reason with ourselves whether or not this person and relationship is an investment we want to make and whether or not we believe it is worthwhile. Ok, I confess I am more calculative than many people. What kind of return am I getting on this? Is there a better investment out there? Well, maybe that is the root of my problem.  I don’t want to commit unless I know I have found the best investment, and in reality, people are not economic investments. People should transcend any numerical value. Unfortunately, I live in NYC where people in general abound. The prospective idea that potentially we have many choices here makes finding a mate an elastic good. Hence, relationships are quite disposable.  I digress.

Back to the first love. The reason my thoughts are consumed by this is because of the evil culprit known as Facbook.  I stumbled across some updates I probably did not want to know about yet I could not stop myself from reading them anyways. How many times have I done this before? It never leads to anything good. Except this time, it led to my decision to try to dissect and confront my problem: I can’t be happy for him.

What does that mean? Do I have lingering thoughts, longings, wishes, that things would have turned out differently for us? I tell myself it worked out better for both of us this way, he wasn’t good for me anyways. Is that self- justification, is that a natural tendency for us humans? Why do I hold on to this animosity that I cannot be happy for him when things are going well for him romantically? For me to address this on a weblog is firstly to admit defeat. He has won, in the sense that he still gets to me when I know he shouldn’t and don’t want him to. When will I reach a point where what he does and who he is with will illicit nothing but an “oh good” from me, an honest disregard, and not a subconsciously forced one. I believe the only reason he still has a hold on me is because he was my first; a position that no one can replace, resume, or go back to.  So how then do I overcome this?